I got Sucker Punched by Workplace PTSD, How About You?

It’s something that I’d never even considered happening to me…until it did. I started a job that I thought might be really cool (not to mention financially necessary). And, I was pretty happy until little things began to creep in.

Everyday started with a meeting, where my supervisor would address our crew in an area shared by a half dozen other groups. And you never knew what you were going to get. More often than not, he would approach like a cinematic drill Sargent. Demanding attention, yelling orders, changing tasks for no apparent reason and if anyone questioned him, there was always a loud demeaning response and punishment meted out. But it was ok, because “that’s just how he is, and if you don’t like it you can leave”.

It wasn’t all bad, our crew learned to support each other behind his back. A knowing look, a pat on the shoulder or maybe, “don’t worry, it’ll be someone else’s turn next week”. We would get our work done in spite of it.

He knew where the line was, he only made comments, gossiped or laughed behind his targets backs with colleagues that encouraged him (or at least failed admonish him). He physically intimidated without making contact. Blamed others for the damage his temper caused to equipment and tools. The mechanics would joke about his predation on new female employees. Other crews would giggle nervously when he induced so much anxiety in someone that they caused an accident or made a mistake. Colleagues from other departments would say, “oh it can’t be that bad, or someone would do something about it”. It was accepted that the behaviour was ok and that we should all grow a tougher skin in response.

I watched as he targeted those who spoke up. Micro aggressions when others were around and derogatory names and yelling when we were out of ear shot. My rheumatoid arthritis flared and I dropped out of a five year remission. One coworker started eating more, he said he was drinking too much and felt angry all the time. Another withdrew, rarely showing up for shifts and when she did, was jumpy and willing to do anything to avoid a confrontation (including spreading rumours to shift attention away from herself). Another retired early, having developed an auto-immune disease after years of depression and thoughts of self harm. The stress and trauma affected each crew member differently, but no one went unscathed. I watched friends who loved their profession lose their spark and shrink away until they either quit or resigned themselves to a depressive state.

Anyone who sought help from our union, Hr department or those who weren’t affected by a power imbalance hit a brick wall. There was a blatant disregard for anything that didn’t fit the narrative that they wanted, most especially if it looked like it might cause them a PR problem. Confidential information was leaked, any actions taken were minimal and easily laughed off. Incidents were ignored until they escalated to a point where people were fired. But, the culture never changed.

After a dozen years of this behaviour (plus additional discrimination, sexism and more), I struggled to shake it off as easily as I once did. I found that I was being triggered by small things (the sound of a particular truck or a ringtone). I started throwing up before the morning meetings and, I felt a car hit me, if I saw someone from work in my private life (particularly if it was unexpected). My behaviour at work shifted from light-hearted banter to guarded angry silence. And, I couldn't control any of it.

Finally, I couldn’t ignore it anymore. All of the thousands of small stressors had had a cumulative effect that was so much greater than the sum of its parts. I felt like I needed to follow the in-flight card and put on my own oxygen mask before I helped others, so I walked away.  The only thing that I regret, is not leaving sooner. But I’d never experienced these symptoms before. I honestly thought that I could brush off the behaviour and push through somehow; continue on my chosen career path. It took me some time (with some professional help) to really understand what had happened to me.

I now run my own business. My RA returned to remission 6 months on from my departure and I learned to spot and rewire my triggers (neuroplasticity is amazing). My perspective on work has also evolved to include a greater awareness of others; not only watching for abusive behaviour but also for those that may be experiencing PTSD without realizing it.